Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On the hunt

I'm job searching again since I've decided to stay in Boulder until at least December. After that, it's all up in the air. I have no idea if I'll stay here, a lot of that will depend on what kind of job I can find. If I'm honest with myself, I made the decision to move back East under stressful circumstances. I was battling severe depression and social anxiety. I hadn't really left my apartment on a functional level in months. I wasn't seeing my friends. I wasn't even really knitting that much, at least, I didn't actually finishing much of anything.

It's a struggle even now to maintain a "normal" life and schedule. The last 2 weeks have been rough. I've been sociable. I've seen friends and done things, but my schoolwork has been slipping. I need to get this in check seeing as classes end this Friday and I need at least a C- in both of them. I don't know what's going on and why my brain isn't working correctly right now, I can't find a certain trigger that's making me struggle again. I'm just trying to get myself back in gear and gain some motivation back.

Making huge life decisions when I can't figure out what to eat for dinner most days isn't the wisest thing. I was trying to get out of Colorado so badly, I wasn't dealing with the fact that Colorado isn't really the issue. I am. So I am going to finish this part of my life. I'm going to stay, finish school, no matter how much I am struggling through it. I just want to be done with it, but I've lost all of momentum. I lost it when I started at CU. I try to get it back at the beginning of each semester, but soon enough, I lose it again. I don't know why. It's not boredom, I enjoy the classes I'm taking. I find the classes interesting, I just have issues.

So I'm applying for a lot of jobs in the hopes that I find something that will allow me to move into an apartment with an actual bedroom and perhaps allow me to have a dog. I don't want to live like a deranged college student anymore. I kind of miss being an adult.  I miss being able to call friends for an impromptu dinner or evening out. And being able buy yummy yarns. That whole being able to pay bills and maybe knock off a chunk of students loans would be nice too.


Meg A (yarnoverATL) said...

I am so glad you put it out there that you have not been yourself lately because I didn't know you were feeling that way. Very courageous of you! Courage like yours will get you through this rough patch my friend. I hope you can find someone at student health services to talk with about it and not try to go it alone. I will touch bases with you when I get back to Boulder to see how you are doing. You have been so nice to me as a newcomer to the BKC. We all value your friendship and good company!!!! You can get to a better place, so don't give up on yourself!!!!!!!!!!! ((hugs)) and another one for good measure (((hugs))) :-)

Jessica said...

Thanks Meg!

It's been a struggle for a long time, but the winter/spring was pretty rough for me. It's getting better, it just takes time.

Crafty Kitten said...

Hey Jess,

Sorry to hear you're in a rough patch right now.

Good luck working yourself out and just holler at me if you ever want to talk!