An open letter to the people who live in my building...

Good evening,

I hope you all are doing well... I've been better, but that's neither here nor there right now, we're here to talk about you.

Jazz Guy: Oh Jazz Guy... We've had our ups and downs(mainly downs). I suspect that you are the phantom condomer in the parking lot. You slam your door each and every time you leave. You have loud conversations in the hall at insane hours. You listen to shitty music and play terrible guitar. You have a habit of hitting my door with your guitar case. You are way too hairy and I would guess that you smell bad if I were ever close enough to smell you.

Old Lady next door: I pretty much hate you. You're loud. You trapped a cat in the foyer of the building your first day here. Then you had a really loud loud party and your drunken friends knocked on my door, opened up all the icebox doors in the hallway and decided that smoking in the hall was a better idea than going outside.

Bathmat Girl: Your friends are loud and I really wish you'd not leave your trash in the hall. Also, could you please pick up that glass in front of your door?

DJ Dude: You smoke a lot of pot, but you're not home a lot so I can get over that.

Girl-who-lives-below-me: I felt bad that I lived above you for a while. I know how annoying it is to live under someone... it's one of the main reasons I wanted the top apartment. I try to avoid dropping things on the floor or moving furniture at 4 am or just doing jumping jacks on that part of the floor that squeaks really loudly. But after last night I WANT TO FUCKING MURDER YOU. People have parties, I get that. I dealt with it when I was trying to take a nap but people were yelling so I couldn't. Not a huge deal, annoying, but I dealt. The thing that really got to me was the after party... I'm guessing you all went out to the bars and got drunk. That's cool. But I don't think your friends needed to stand in the parking lot yelling. Even that was okay... it happens a lot. I think you can see where I'm going here... you remember right? That part where you and that super loud guy decided to slam furniture into the walls so hard it made my bed shake? Yeah. That sucked. But still not as much as the moaning and screaming. Wow. That was a lot of man moaning. Gross. I didn't want to hear that. Turn on some music to drown that shit out. Seriously! You know how thin our walls and floors are.